Pep Talk (For E.)

He tells me to cut it out
Stop looking out the window
Slipping my eyes to the side
Sending my gaze out the door

He tells me to open the gates
And stop being afraid to look in his eyes
But they are terrifying
The way they're willing to just walk in
And walk out again
And who knows what they'll carry away when they go

He tells me to understand the safety
That place will always hold for me
I'm trembling, even though I know he's right

He tells me to stand up a little straighter
I try to act tough but it doesn't work
My eyes still dart sideways
I hug myself so my muscles don't shake

He tells me to not be tortured for the sake of anyone
To die for them at most
To stop being strong for everyone else
And learn how to be strong for myself
But I just shake my head

He tells me to "Look at me!"
I turn my face towards his
But I shut my eyes

He tells me to stand up
I feel like an empty cocoon in his arms
But my heart slows down a bit
And I remember how to breath again

He tells me to never let go of the art I create
I shake my head at its worthlessness
No, he says, it isn't to you
And it isn't to us
So don't burn it

He tells me to never forget
That he will never forget
But I still don't fully trust that
My memory lasts longer than memories of me
I want to tell him all about the dog
Who loyally waited for a man who would never return

He tells me to laugh
Stop the ghosts in their tracks
Throw the weight digging into my spine
Tighten my muscles in seizures, not stress
Or guilt, or remorse

He tells me to sleep
Because I need to know
What death feels like
To really appreciate being here
I tell him I know
I just see far too many alternatives